Here are some illustrations of abusive behaviors that reflect struggles for power and control in relationships.*
Physical:
- Physically injuring, or attempting to injure, a partner. For example, grabbing, punching, shoving, hitting, hair pulling, biting, arm twisting, kicking, punching, hitting with blunt objects, stabbing, shooting, or strangling (“choking”).
- Withholding access to resources necessary to maintain health. For example, medication, medical care, wheelchair or other assistive device, food or fluids, sleep, hygienic assistance.
- Forcing alcohol or other drug use.
Sexual:
- Forcing or attempting to force any sexual act without consent. For example, rape (including marital rape), forced sex after physical attack, attacks on the sexual parts of the body, bestiality, forced prostitution or sex work, unprotected sex, fondling, forced sex with others, use of pornography.
- Attempting to undermine the victim’s sexuality. For example, treating them in a sexually derogatory manner, criticizing sexual performance or desirability, withholding sex as punishment, accusations of infidelity.
Psychological:
- Instilling fear or attempting to instill fear. For example, intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, victim and/or others; gaslighting, threatening to harm or kidnap children, menacing, blackmail, harassment, destruction of property, physical threats or abuse to pets, mind games.
- “Outing” a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
- Saying that no one will help the victim because they are a certain sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, national origin, ability level, or class; or for that reason the victim “deserves” the abuse.
Emotional:
- Undermining or attempting to undermine a person’s sense of self-worth. For example, constant criticism, belittling victim’s abilities and competency, name-calling, insults, put-downs, silent treatment, manipulating the victim’s feelings and emotions to induce guilt or shame, subverting a victim’s relationship with children, repeatedly making and breaking promises.
- Questioning a victim’s sexual orientation or gender identity. For example, questioning if they are a “real” lesbian, a “real” woman”, a “real” femme, etc.; reinforcing internalized homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia.
Financial:
- Making or attempting to make the victim financially dependent. For example, maintaining total control over financial resources (including victim’s earned income or resources), withholding money and/or access to money, forbidding attendance at school or work, on-the-job harassment, requiring justification for money spent, withholding information about family finances, running up bills for which the victim is responsible for payment.
*Adapted from original source: New York State Office of the Prevention of Domestic Violence